I’m writing this because I can’t focus on work right now.

For the last 2 months, I’ve been working late hours nonstop. Sometimes I wonder if I’m not being efficient, but I’ve run out of things to cut down on, ways to make things faster, etc. Sometimes I freak out because I’m not doing something the “right way,” and resorting to shortcuts simply because there doesn’t seem to be enough time to “do it right.” It’s been an uphill battle, I’m not going to lie, but so far I’m getting there.

However, as many can attest to, long periods of this sort of mental fatigue takes its toll. And it’s coming to a head for me now, right when I can’t seem to focus on basic work I should have no problem with and which I actually have time for (for once).

So I was about to start up a game. Some game. Any game. And I stopped instead to write this article (maybe to make me feel more productive?).

I like playing games for a lot of reasons. I’m focusing on one right now.

I like playing games because they can give me a sense of mastery (and appreciation) when I don’t get it from the real world. 2 months of non-stop effort with nothing but stress and bad eating habits to really show for it is not great. It would be different if I was working on things I really cared about, because I’ve worked long hours on video games and the personal projects that really excite me. But recently, I haven’t had time for that. My coursework is less focused on making a cool game right now than it is on a bunch of extraneous things, and while they’re no less important (contract law, number theory, the neurology behind cognitive functions…), I feel like I haven’t produced anything. Anything that’s “mine.” Less application, more super abstract theory.

I’m tired and I want to play a game to give me that sense of accomplishment that I have not had after 9 weeks of 100-hour weeks.

Maybe I’m realizing it’s not that I need a break, I just need a sense of accomplishment. Let me create things I care about. And if I can’t, let me do the same in a solid hour in some fantasy world.

This is how I’m choosing to combat the burnout and I shouldn’t feel a lick of guilt about it.